Hello, Goodbye!

We said "goodbye" to our first home as a married couple on Friday. For me, it was a little over 5 months of bonding with the good ol' Harney household, but Jeff had to bid farewell to his home of 10 years.

I have never been a good packer. As a young twenty-something who has not lived in the same room for more than 3 years at a time (since high school) my mind is always blown when I realize how much stuff I carry along with me. What's worse is that I can't bear to throw any of it away. Somehow every little ridiculous item is directly linked to my survival in the civilized world. Now, I am very much aware of this weakness of perspective, and have made up for this handicap by packing up to four weeks before an estimated departure time. :) It definitely helps.

                                                      good memories at our first home

Amidst this packing up, planning, scheduling we have said a lot of goodbyes. Friends and family in El Paso, Laramie, and even here in Douglas have shared well wishes and have expressed hope in our safety & happiness. But... I haven't really dwelt on any of these farewells. Instead, I feel like I am saying a series of "hellos" to all the new experiences I am awaiting. I can't help but hear the Beatles song running through my head as I give long "until next time" hugs, "take care" kisses, and "thanks for everything" handshakes:

I don't know why you say goodbye I say hello...

A week from today we will be on our way to Denver to board a plane to Africa. It has been an incredible journey full of relationships that I cherish and hope to nurture; relationships I would not have otherwise made if I was not working overseas for the next two years.

I can't wait to say hello to all the new challenges, friends, hopes, inspirations, and experiences. I don't think I will be saying goodbye to the old ones either. After all, the more crayons you have, the more ways you can color your world.

Ordinary Failures

"During those many days the king of Egypt died, and the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. God saw the people of Israel—and God knew." ~Exodus 2:23-25

This morning's sermon was about God working through the ordinary. The biblical illustration of this truth was the story of Moses, who lived 40 years in the desert as a shepherd when he first saw the burning bush. I didn't know it when the pastor started speaking... but I really needed to hear that sermon.

We are leaving for Africa in about two weeks. We have been packing, collecting papers (birth certificates, transcripts, etc.), visiting family, cleaning. When I wake up and see a mess of suitcases mostly full, random object strewn about still needing to be packed, a list of calls to make, meals to cook, dishes to clean... life feels pretty ordinary. I know in two weeks it will take on new excitement & adventure but today, yesterday, two months ago.... it feels absolutely mundane.

This last week I have felt the exhaustion of ordinary life heavy on my shoulders. I felt bored, emotionally tired, physically achy, spiritually lethargic. Two nights ago I was at my limit. I was in pain, lonely, restless, desperate. I felt ashamed at my own weakness. In the midst of it I thought with desperate tears, "oh God... where are you? Why have you forgotten me???"

Sometimes I forget to realize that God remembers me in my ordinary life with my quiet groans. I am sure the Israelites felt the same: being forgotten by God after generations and generations of slavery. But God doesn't forget his promises.  God doesn't lack understanding of our sorrows, whether they be God-sized or not. God recognizes our need for relief, be it from a huge weight we carry or the days/weeks/years of carrying a not-so-huge weight. 

Brown recluses are some of the scariest spiders I have ever encountered. The potential damage they leave behind is horrendous. They are about the size of a quarter. If you've never heard about these guys, I dare you to google "brown recluse bite" and check out the images! *caution: it's graphic* Small problems, like the brown recluse, can have a detrimental erosion on our person. 

As a person with a driving sense of responsibility (and pride in that drive) it's hard to admit that the little things can wear me down so much. It's doubly hard to beg God for relief when I still think I can carry on a little longer. I feel irresponsible not to work harder, stand firmer, find more strength. But, God knows. That's my favorite part of the Exodus passage at the beginning of this post. He sees.... and He knows. He knows in a deeply intimate way exactly what we feel and think when we are tired, burdened, heavy in our hearts, confused, lost, lonely, frustrated, unhappy. 

If you ever come to the point of loneliness and frustration at things that shouldn't have unraveled you the way they did, or maybe if you don't even know why you feel the way you are feeling or think the way you are thinking; I invite you to let God in on it. He sees. He knows.

Writer's Block

This is probably not going to be a long post.

The past month-ish I have been experiencing a bad case of... you guessed it... writer's block.

We have had amazing experiences with the churches we have spoken to (and at). We have been blessed in unexpected and BIG ways. We had encouraging, touching interactions with people who were, up until that moment, complete strangers. People have extended the hand of friendship with us. People have shared their own amazing God stories. It's been amazing, incredible, wonderful, refreshing.

I have been wanting to share these experiences. I have been wanting to conjure up the right words to capture my reflections accurately. But I run flat one or two sentences into it.

Up until I began THIS post, it felt like a bad thing that I hadn't written more. Was I ungrateful? Lazy? Unwise? Where did this sudden writer's block come from? Why be silent when there's much to praise God for?

I am very much a task-oriented person, and I feel most satisfied with myself when I am doing constructive things. I consider my work ethic to be a grave responsibility I carry with me. So to NOT be doing something that I feel needs to be done... well, let's just say I carry it around in my mind until it's done. Sort of like a mental constipation.

But maybe... sometimes... we are in a season of listening. Watching. Waiting in silence and allowing ourselves to be recipients of grace. In our hearts we rejoice, but our tongues are stilled at our own blessings from God. Maybe. Sometimes. It's better this way.

Be still, and know that I am God. ~ Psalm 46:10

Make you feel my Love

There's a song that always makes me cry. To me it's the story of Jesus, the love of God. I always imagine God singing this to the suffering people of the world, and especially to me when I need His big shoulder to rest my head on. This is one of those moments.

Make you feel my Love
by Adele

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love
 
When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love
 
I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met 
No doubt in my mind where you belong
 
I'd go hungry
I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love
 
The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet
 
I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love
To make you feel my love

Rebelling against a culture of niceness

Do Christians have to be nice?

This is a hard question for me to answer. For several years I would have said yes. Yes, it is mandatory that Christians, at least good Christians, are to be nice. But.... is that biblical?

Really the heart of the question is what "nice" means to you. For me, "nice" meant being pleasant, it meant saying "yes" to someone in need unless you really really REALLY can't do it. It meant giving money to everyone who asked, spending time with everyone who wanted to. It essentially meant bending over backwards for other people.

I have lied in the name of niceness. I have cheated for the sake of niceness. I have done good deeds with a bitter and frustrated spirit in order to achieve my vision of "Christian niceness". I was afraid of what people would think of me if I wasn't nice.

And I never knew I was biblically off-center. Even in Bible school I didn't accept the idea that Christianity and niceness (my idea of it, anyway) did not always go hand-in-hand. But then, how are Christians supposed to behave?

Over and over again, writers in the New Testament emphasize love. Love God. Love your brother. Love your neighbor. Paul sums "love" up beautifully in 1 Corinthians 13:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love is patient, kind, humble, forgiving, honest, truthful, and persistent. It is not always nice. 
   
Maybe you ask, as I did, what's the difference between "kindness" and "niceness"? 

My best answer, through my experiences with God and with people, is this: kindness is ALWAYS obedient to the will of God. In action, it sees a person through God's eyes, sees the underlying need, and asks God to be used by Him to take part in bringing healing, hope, and satisfaction of that need. Niceness, takes the person or situation into your own hands and attempts to generate a result of happiness or satisfaction. The underlying difference is in motive... are you working without reward, in obedience to God? Or do you expect to see some result of your efforts (however selfless you think those results look like)?

In Matthew 15:21-28, a Caananite woman approaches Jesus asking for healing for her daughter. Jesus' response is not very nice. First, he ignores her. His disciples, annoyed by this woman, prompt Jesus to send her away. Even when the woman gains audience with him he says,  "It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to their dogs". That's not a very nice thing to say. Bearing in mind that Jesus is Emmanuel (GOD with us), the son of God, the Messiah.... what does that say about this woman? What does it say about God and being Christ-like?

The heart of the matter in this passage is that Jesus came to earth to fulfill Jewish prophecy (and eventually save the world through his sacrifice). God's will for his life and ministry was completely for the Israelites. It was in his death and resurrection that allowed Gentiles like me to approach the throne of God apart from Jewish law. Jesus may have not been nice to this woman, but in his kindness He first submitted himself to God's will (ministering only to Israel) then secondly, seeing that God was in this situation ("Woman, you have great faith!"), allowed God to work in Him to serve her. 

I just recently read the Johns (1 John, 2 John, 3 John). The author repeatedly states that anyone who does good is of God. Anyone who walks in light is in the light of God. Anyone who does otherwise.... is apart from God. The source of a Christian's salvation, transformation, and growth is in God. Which means.... unless God is telling you directly to be "nice".... you don't have to be "nice". But you ARE required to love.

So, what's the point of making a distinction?

In short, it's to drive out any fear in our lives. Even passive fears.

It's not to give us license to be jerks, or to hurt people's feelings through "blunt" honesty (a.k.a. rudeness). But personally, as a "nice" Christian, I have struggled with confronting friends with the truth. I have "bit my tongue" about the Bible. I have listened to people insult my beliefs and said nothing in return.  I live with just a twinge of fear that people won't like me otherwise. A big enough twinge that it affect my actions on a regular basis. None of these things are Biblical. But they are nice.

Instead of trying to so hard to be nice, what if we let love shine? Which may mean confronting some things or people, being less well-liked, being more humbly aware of the impact of our actions and words on an eternal level. It's quite a few notches harder than just being nice, but I bet it's also a lot more rewarding.

For all you nice introvert Christians out there.... let's quietly rebel against the culture of "Christian niceness"; and rather embrace love and the fearless trust in Jesus that goes with it.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.  ~ 1 John 4:18

Celebrating God's Timing

This coming Valentine's Day will mark our first anniversary of being a couple. In February 2011, we hopped on Skype to have our first "date". During this date, Jeff asked me to be his girlfriend.

I wanted to celebrate this milestone with pomp. I researched B&Bs, unique date ideas, gifts, etc. I was excited to create a "getaway" with my honey. This morning, as we were getting ready for church, I suddenly realized that this Valentines Day.... well, it will be during "that time of the month" for me. Suddenly my plans, and ideas on how to romance my sweetie, took on a different light. But I wasn't upset or disappointed or miffed about how that may disorient my celebration of our relationship. I consider every day with my husband a celebration anyways, so what if plans are pushed to another day, week, or year? So what if my ideas will manifest itself into something less glorious when the appropriate time comes?

And then.... I thought about God. All the times I've complained and whined and collapsed in despair because my plans with God were delayed. All the times I thought about giving up on everything because my timeline was stretched, manipulated, broken. All the times I threw my soul up in tantrum because the glory of it was gone.

Compare that to our Africa adventure. Months of stepping out in faith where sometimes the rewards are tangible and sometimes the reward IS the joy of obedience. Months of waiting, hoping, praying, planning....

I have been waiting for this step since I was 18 years old. I am 26 now. After eight years of waiting, hoping, praying, planning.... I am okay with where we are. I am ready to be in Kenya, but I am also rejoicing in every day I have here in the States. I can't help but thank God in utter humility for allowing me to grow from who I was to who I am becoming. To find myself desperately clinging to obedience for the sake of MY life, happiness, and strength.


"... and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." ~ Romans 5:5


Today, I am focusing on the discipline of celebrating God's timing. It becomes remarkably easier when I believe wholeheartedly that, whether according to my plans or not, what God has promised He will fulfill. My hope is beyond wishful thinking. It is rooted in the greatest truth I know. So what if it's not today, or according to my plans? When it does happen, it will be exactly when it is supposed to happen. Isn't that the greatest comfort of all?


Stand firm in your faith. Stand firm in God's character and in His promises. And celebrate His timing.

What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me

I've always wondered what those Dave Matthews lyrics meant:

What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me

Last week we left El Paso to make our way back to Laramie. I was a bit sad saying goodbye to my family and my home. As we were packing my heart was heavy.... is this the last time I will see my parents until we return from Africa?

Jeff unexpectedly holds me tight and answers the question I had not yet voiced, "don't worry, we will see your family again before we leave." What a blessing to hear that! But still... I hated saying goodbye.

While we were staying in El Paso I was on a mission to arm ourselves for the Wyoming winter we would return to. We found a suitable coat for Jeff (who insisted that his thin sweaters were fine. I think not!) and searched high & low for insulated and affordable boots for me. I once had a pair I wore while attending school in Minnesota, but could not find them.

The day before we left for our 14 hour drive I still had not found the right pair of boots to buy. Every pair was not warm enough, or too stiff, or too expensive, or too manly.... nothing seemed just right. I decided I would just bare the cold with what I had, but in the mean time I would find a pair of old dress shoes I once loved. It wasn't what I originally planned, nor was it a practical thing to pack, but I did want to bring them with me.

I searched the house for them. No such luck. But in the process of looking for my adorable but impractical dress shoes I found my original boots from Minnesota. They looked a little dusty, but otherwise brand new! I felt an overwhelming sense of gratefulness, like God was telling me, "it's time to go back to Wyoming." The dismay I was feeling about leaving home was lifted, I was ready to return to Laramie.

We arose early in the morning and hit the road. It was a long trip. During the last few hours of our drive I started becoming irritable. I was hungry, cramped, and tired. The restaurant we had discussed visiting was packed with eager Broncos fans watching the playoff game. We were in a strange town, caring for two tropical fish in the passenger seat, and now it seemed that we would not have the chance of a sit-down dinner (and break from the full day of driving). We ordered to go (the most delicious wings I ever had) and hit the road again. An hour or so from Laramie the truck started having problems. We pulled over three or four times. Jeff called family and asked if they would be willing to pick us up if we needed it. I prayed each time we pulled over. I didn't want to think about sitting silently in the truck in the freezing weather waiting for someone, transfer our belongings from our truck to another vehicle, and still have more driving to do.

On our last pull over, we prayed together and held each other. We spoke of God's faithfulness. I asked my parents to pray for us. We started the car and began driving cautiously. This time I watched the clock to see how long it would take for the truck to act up again. 45 minutes later, we made it into town. I was so grateful. It was -20* outside. We unloaded our things and crawled into bed.

The next day (Sunday) we walked to a nearby church we had never been to for their second service. I was too nervous to use the truck again and I was still a little stiff from all that sitting the day before! As we entered the congregants told us that second service was canceled because the pastor's mother-in-law had passed away. We thanked them and turned around to walk home. I was very discouraged because I wanted to come to church and thank God for allowing us to make it into Laramie safely. I felt guilty that we didn't attend the first service, which was held that morning. I felt incomplete in my gratitude because I did not offer my thanksgiving in the house of God.

Jeff & I decided to reach each others devotionals out loud in our bedroom, a practice we had tried only once before. Two very different passages, two very different devotionals. Yet there was the same theme in both of them: accepting trials and struggles with joy because it gives us the opportunity to trust in God all the more. In fact, this very practice of finding joy in the difficult times builds the foundation for unshakable joy in Christ. And through the joy of being in Christ we find continued strength to endure the heartaches, setbacks, and frustrations of life.

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." ~ Philippians 4:11-13

Sometimes what I want to happen doesn't happen. Sometimes it happens but not in the way I wanted it to happen. But I have never been in desperate need of the basic necessities of life. Consequently, I have never really needed to depend on God for my needs.

God is changing that. I am finding in little ways and in big ways that I am at the mercy of His will. That my very existence and survival is resting on His divine sovereignty. Very fortunately for me, this relationship is not a disheartening one because God is Love. I am grateful that God loves me enough to intentionally put forth the effort to grow me, groom me, and shape me into a more Christ-like individual. He doesn't just offer salvation, He offers development. I am also humbled that these lessons, which I have known for years in theory (God is faithful? Yes! God will give you what you need? Sure!) I am now learning in a deeply intimate way that is shaping who I am as a person.

I thank God for providing the things we need, and also the things we think we need. I thank God when our plans are disrupted because deep down they are opportunities to develop our choices and character. I thank Him for providing "wake up calls" every once in a while in my life to remind me about what really matters.

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever."  ~ Psalm 107:1