Back to Basics

Psalm 115:1-8
Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name give glory,
    for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness!

Why should the nations say,
    “Where is their God?”

Our God is in the heavens;
    he does all that he pleases.

 

Their idols are silver and gold,
    the work of human hands.

They have mouths, but do not speak;
    eyes, but do not see.

They have ears, but do not hear;
    noses, but do not smell. 

 They have hands, but do not feel;
    feet, but do not walk;
    and they do not make a sound in their throat.

Those who make them become like them;
    so do all who trust in them.

Sometimes I forget the omnipotence of God. Sometimes I think He is not perceptive to my trouble or pain; sometimes I think my worries are nearer to me than Him.

I forget that God is powerful enough to do whatever He pleases to do.

I wonder if, when I worry, I am not like those who create and trust in idols. The one described in Psalm 115 has all tangible evidence of life. It is a physical entity that I can see, touch, think about. It's realistic... it has feet, a nose, hands, a mouth. How many times do I worry about situations that are very real to me: tangible, logical, realistic? A lot. And I feel justified because of its very real-ness.

But in comparison to God... the strength of God, the Mercy of God... these very realistic worries have no power. The "mouth", "eyes", "nose", "hands", "feet" become useless. It's almost comical, almost embarrassing, that I would be so engrossed with something so harmless. Like I was afraid of a rock on the ground because it was shaped like a cartoon spider.

Sadly, I still worry. And I give it power over my decisions, I allow it to manipulate how I view people and places around me. I reorganize my priorities in anticipation to foreseeable problems. On a spiritual level I become like those who make and trust in useless idols: I too become useless.

Trusting in God can be a hard thing. Embracing the idea that "God does whatever He pleases" in tandem with God being intimately involved with every aspect of my life still challenges me today. But it's a wonderful reminder that God is not only in charge of my life, He also thoroughly enjoys taking care of me.
 

The dead do not praise the Lord,
    nor do any who go down into silence.

But we will bless the Lord 
 from this time forth and forevermore.   

Psalm 115:17-18
 

God enjoys praise. And He delights in the one who praises Him. The second half of this Psalm affirms life, prosperity, and blessings. It ends with a wonderful statement about the relationship between a God who "does all that he pleases" and His people. I keep Psalm 115 (and so many others, they are all so good!) close to my heart because it reminds me of both God's power and His love. And that's way funner to think about than whatever worries once occupied my mind!

****

One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard:  

That You, O God, are strong,

and that You, O Lord, are loving. 

Psalm 62:11-12

If ever so humble...

... there's no place like home!

We are officially residents of the Pangani area in Nairobi, a neighboring district to Eastleigh. We live on the third floor of the complex, that is, up two flights of stairs from ground level. According to the Kenyan builders, that would make us residents of floor number two since the ground floor is technically floor number zero.

Our home is wall-to-wall and ceiling-to-ceiling concrete. Might conjure up mental images of a prison cell if you get to carried away with that definition. Luckily, our walls are painted a happy pastel yellow with earthy red floors to mimic sunshine and fresh earth. Plus, lighter colors give the illusion of bigger rooms. ;)

Our couches and bed frame were custom made by local craftsmen! One of many differences between here and the States is that there are very few furniture chains... if you want some you just find a street shop in the area and begin discussing design and price. We took the easy way out and purchased the same design from the same artisans as another couple who work with us. I must say though, our couches are significantly softer than theirs (Kenyans like it FIRM)!
 
This is my first "home to myself" as a wife. I catch myself scheming and planning how to decorate the place over time, colors and textures and pinterest ideas follow me through language class and into the night.

It took us a while (or maybe I should say it took me a while; Jeff has a busier schedule than I) to clean up the apartment and get unpacked. I still have a few areas, like the highest cabinets in our bedroom, to clean (*ahem* kinda waiting for hubby to do a spider and cockroach check up there first).

We wake up each day to the Muslim Call to Prayer at 5:30. It's strange to hear the melodious voice singing in a language I don't understand. I lie in bed and say my own prayers over us and the people we are working with in the calm dark mornings.

As the day progresses the children leave for school, men head off to their jobs, and the women begin their housework. By the time we come home in the afternoon, gangs of children are running through the courtyard, solemn groups of teenagers loiter in the corner, smoke rises up from some balconies smelling of seasoned goat meat, and radio music echoes throughout the complex. Even deep into the night there are voices, music, laughter, arguments, hammering, and shuffling of feet sounding off in charming discord.

We love it here. Things are new. Things are different. It makes for challenges and battles. It also fosters opportunity and growth. We thank God for this time. We thank God for our neighbors, for our language teacher, for the adult students attending ESL classes, and for our co-workers. And we thank God for YOU!

Three weeks in Kenya!

Today marks three weeks and one day in Nairobi. Some things I remember quite well, but a lot has changed in the past couple years from my memories here.

Relationship dynamics are always changing, it seems. People on our team are leaving or joining us, faces I would recognize from my last trip here are working in different areas far from us. Jeff & I have met some new people and shared new experiences together. It's been a blast.

A couple of fun experiences has been trying our hand with the public transportation options. Matatus, sort of a cross-breed of a bus and a van, are the most popular form of transportation for most people without vehicles (that means us!). The drivers here are insanely good, and insanely reckless. It's quite common for them to squeeze past two parallel cars with only one inch to spare on each side. Or to aggressively cut into traffic while *almost* touching the bumper of the car in front. I still find myself gasping quietly when we get to close to a pedestrian (going 50 mph) or stop so close to other cars that I'm already anticipating the crash. Even so, I find the ride somewhat exhilarating and... at risk of seeming dorky... kind of cool. Like here I am in this wild matatu, yeah, you and I both know I've got street smarts!

The trickiest part is payment. Since we are muzungus (white people), we regularly get charged higher than the average Kenyan. They call it "skin tax". Sometimes you can barter down so that you pay only 10 shillings (abbreviation: ksh) more. It's mentally exhausting for me to assert myself so much with strangers on a regular basis, but it's a part of life here and let's face it... it's probably good for me to develop my assertiveness a wee bit more.

Another transportation option is the piki piki, or motorcycle taxi. I have never been on a motorcycle before Kenya... and now I can say I've ridden twice, without a helmet! The scariest part is going over the multiple speed bumps on the road while clenching the bottom of your seat for security (they have bars at the bottom of your seat, no back side, and it's technically not okay to hold onto the driver). My fingers always hurt at the end of the ride from holding on so tight! I've definitely prayed some serious prayers of safety while bobbing up and down over the bumps and hills in traffic. But it is a great way to get around when you don't have time to jump back and forth among random matatu stops, or you want to travel in an area where matatus aren't allowed.

Of course, there's walking too. We got lost on our first trip to the grocery store (called Nakumatt, and sort of reminds me of Walmart before they revamped their design-- remember the blue and white non super centers?). It wasn't until we figured out just how far off we were that I realized how much I relied on driving with our team leaders our first 10 days here. Now we are experts and go the the market almost daily. :)

We looked at apartments in different complexes. There was talk of moving the whole team into a new complex (our leader will not split us up, we will all stay in the same complex wherever it is) and I'm not sure the decision has officially been made whether or not everyone is moving or if we are joining the team where they already stay. I think unofficially we are staying, seeing as how Jeff & I chose an apartment there and visited again while they were repainting to go check what repairs needed to be done.

Our apartment reminded me a lot of my grandmother's place in Mexico. The walls are pale yellow with a white border (a thin strip of wood) along the top. The floors are concrete, painted a rusty reddish color. We have two bedrooms: a master, and another small one, both with cabinetry built into the walls. The kitchen is small, with built-in counters just large enough to house the sink and a drying rack for dishes. We will have to buy our own appliances & furniture out of pocket, the plus side to that is we can buy whatever we want or can afford, the downside of course, is that a fridge and stove and bed are major purchases that don't come cheap.

Another interesting feature is our bathroom. It seems common here that the toilet and shower occupy separate rooms, with the sink to wash up in the hallway. Of course, we did look at one apartment that had everything together in the same room... not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I could've taken a shower and gone #2 at the same time (they were so close together! No curtains, no walls). All in all, I'm excited to move in. It'll be our first official home (as in all to us, no roommates or parents, the WHOLE place is ours) as a couple. I've already bought gift wrap (yeah like stuff to wrap presents with) to use as wallpaper for the sink in the hallway... hope it works!

Yesterday we visited the house of our language teacher. Jeff & I haven't officially begun classes, but I do know "yes" (ha), "no" (maya), and "thank you" (sounds like ma-ha sem-et). We had lunch there, which was quite a fun experience! They brought out a plastic mat, about the size of a small rug with print on it mimicking a floor rug, and then brought a pizza tray loaded with rice, noodles (skinny like ramen noodles), cooked goat with bell peppers, some other Ethiopian meat in red sauce (the family was raised in Ethiopia), hard boiled eggs, and whole peeled bananas. After washing hands using a bowl and pitcher, we dig in with our right hands (left hands are unclean, and therefore unfit for eating and shaking hands). Of course, our language teacher spilled the least amount of food. I found it all to be delicious and somewhat mild in flavor. We had tea afterwards and sat on a mattress on the floor. It had a fitted sheet around it, a maroon acrylic fabric, with pillows along the walls (the mattress was pushed up against the corner of the room). People laughed and joke and spoke of bridges built in Ethiopia, of children and marriage and motherhood, of food and family. Sometimes someone on our team would lean over to me and translate, and sometimes I'd just happily make up the conversation in my head.

All in all, we are learning new things in new ways. It's fun to watch and listen, to ask questions and sometimes just mess up. We can't wait to see how things unfold as we get to move into our apartment, start schooling, and start language classes!

Karibu to Kenya

This past three weeks have been a blur.

Packing suitcases, throwing everything out & re-organizing suitcases, finding out they are too heavy, throwing everything out & re-organizing again.... then off to Denver... then London... and finally Nairobi. The trip was a bit rough on me (I rolled my ankle two days before our flight from Denver! What luck) but in some ways it was exhilarating. It was fun landing in London, looking like a couple of tourists, asking silly questions and not laughing at any jokes because we are in *serious mode*. My heart fluttered when we boarded the plane to Nairobi, this is it!

We rode a 777, those big planes with screens in the back of the seats. I got to finish Les Mis, and had a little too much fun imagining my own script to the cartoons playing on a certain channel (you listen in by plugging in your headphones to your armrest - I didn't do that for these cartoons. Hence, they were silent). Nairobi landing was smooth, although my heart was racing the whole time! What if something was wrong with our visas? What if we forgot some pertinent information or document? What if we looked too suspicious with our American scowls and messy hair? I felt like a secret agent about to get caught.

We stayed with our team leaders for about 10 days. They are a great family. Internet was limited, so we sent a short email to parents letting us know we arrived and then pulled out our books. It's amazing how much free time you have when you cut internet out of your life. Try it for a week, if you dare! ;)

Yesterday we moved into a guest house on the north end of the city. Our team has taken it easy on us in order to let my ankle heal. This has been a blessing but I am also SO anxious to start. So many years of my life have led up to this trip... I am learning the art of "African timing"... throw away the clock and the calendar, it happens when it happens!

Even though I am excited to begin, I am ready to explore the city, I am nervous but determined to be immersed into the rich culture and life of my surroundings I am also happy to rest. This morning I woke up thinking how our rest is a form of worship

So God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it God rested from all his work that he had done in creation. ~ Genesis 2:3

We honor God when we acknowledge our need to rest and embrace it. Sometimes it's easy to do so, sometimes it's not. Obligations, responsibilities, duties, errands... they pile up. We admire people who can get "so much done" in a day. We pursue accomplishments like trophies. That work ethic can be good, but it all depends on where you place it amongst your priorities. Whether you value it above God, yourself, your family, your friends, or the very people you are working for.

All that to say... I am grateful for accomplishments, and I am grateful for rest. I am in awe that God, knowing our need for rest (but our desire to keep accomplishing), made it a command to rest among the Israelites. I can't wait to see how this period of rest fleshes out... and how it catapults me into the next chapter when that time comes.

Hello, Goodbye!

We said "goodbye" to our first home as a married couple on Friday. For me, it was a little over 5 months of bonding with the good ol' Harney household, but Jeff had to bid farewell to his home of 10 years.

I have never been a good packer. As a young twenty-something who has not lived in the same room for more than 3 years at a time (since high school) my mind is always blown when I realize how much stuff I carry along with me. What's worse is that I can't bear to throw any of it away. Somehow every little ridiculous item is directly linked to my survival in the civilized world. Now, I am very much aware of this weakness of perspective, and have made up for this handicap by packing up to four weeks before an estimated departure time. :) It definitely helps.

                                                      good memories at our first home

Amidst this packing up, planning, scheduling we have said a lot of goodbyes. Friends and family in El Paso, Laramie, and even here in Douglas have shared well wishes and have expressed hope in our safety & happiness. But... I haven't really dwelt on any of these farewells. Instead, I feel like I am saying a series of "hellos" to all the new experiences I am awaiting. I can't help but hear the Beatles song running through my head as I give long "until next time" hugs, "take care" kisses, and "thanks for everything" handshakes:

I don't know why you say goodbye I say hello...

A week from today we will be on our way to Denver to board a plane to Africa. It has been an incredible journey full of relationships that I cherish and hope to nurture; relationships I would not have otherwise made if I was not working overseas for the next two years.

I can't wait to say hello to all the new challenges, friends, hopes, inspirations, and experiences. I don't think I will be saying goodbye to the old ones either. After all, the more crayons you have, the more ways you can color your world.

Ordinary Failures

"During those many days the king of Egypt died, and the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. God saw the people of Israel—and God knew." ~Exodus 2:23-25

This morning's sermon was about God working through the ordinary. The biblical illustration of this truth was the story of Moses, who lived 40 years in the desert as a shepherd when he first saw the burning bush. I didn't know it when the pastor started speaking... but I really needed to hear that sermon.

We are leaving for Africa in about two weeks. We have been packing, collecting papers (birth certificates, transcripts, etc.), visiting family, cleaning. When I wake up and see a mess of suitcases mostly full, random object strewn about still needing to be packed, a list of calls to make, meals to cook, dishes to clean... life feels pretty ordinary. I know in two weeks it will take on new excitement & adventure but today, yesterday, two months ago.... it feels absolutely mundane.

This last week I have felt the exhaustion of ordinary life heavy on my shoulders. I felt bored, emotionally tired, physically achy, spiritually lethargic. Two nights ago I was at my limit. I was in pain, lonely, restless, desperate. I felt ashamed at my own weakness. In the midst of it I thought with desperate tears, "oh God... where are you? Why have you forgotten me???"

Sometimes I forget to realize that God remembers me in my ordinary life with my quiet groans. I am sure the Israelites felt the same: being forgotten by God after generations and generations of slavery. But God doesn't forget his promises.  God doesn't lack understanding of our sorrows, whether they be God-sized or not. God recognizes our need for relief, be it from a huge weight we carry or the days/weeks/years of carrying a not-so-huge weight. 

Brown recluses are some of the scariest spiders I have ever encountered. The potential damage they leave behind is horrendous. They are about the size of a quarter. If you've never heard about these guys, I dare you to google "brown recluse bite" and check out the images! *caution: it's graphic* Small problems, like the brown recluse, can have a detrimental erosion on our person. 

As a person with a driving sense of responsibility (and pride in that drive) it's hard to admit that the little things can wear me down so much. It's doubly hard to beg God for relief when I still think I can carry on a little longer. I feel irresponsible not to work harder, stand firmer, find more strength. But, God knows. That's my favorite part of the Exodus passage at the beginning of this post. He sees.... and He knows. He knows in a deeply intimate way exactly what we feel and think when we are tired, burdened, heavy in our hearts, confused, lost, lonely, frustrated, unhappy. 

If you ever come to the point of loneliness and frustration at things that shouldn't have unraveled you the way they did, or maybe if you don't even know why you feel the way you are feeling or think the way you are thinking; I invite you to let God in on it. He sees. He knows.

Writer's Block

This is probably not going to be a long post.

The past month-ish I have been experiencing a bad case of... you guessed it... writer's block.

We have had amazing experiences with the churches we have spoken to (and at). We have been blessed in unexpected and BIG ways. We had encouraging, touching interactions with people who were, up until that moment, complete strangers. People have extended the hand of friendship with us. People have shared their own amazing God stories. It's been amazing, incredible, wonderful, refreshing.

I have been wanting to share these experiences. I have been wanting to conjure up the right words to capture my reflections accurately. But I run flat one or two sentences into it.

Up until I began THIS post, it felt like a bad thing that I hadn't written more. Was I ungrateful? Lazy? Unwise? Where did this sudden writer's block come from? Why be silent when there's much to praise God for?

I am very much a task-oriented person, and I feel most satisfied with myself when I am doing constructive things. I consider my work ethic to be a grave responsibility I carry with me. So to NOT be doing something that I feel needs to be done... well, let's just say I carry it around in my mind until it's done. Sort of like a mental constipation.

But maybe... sometimes... we are in a season of listening. Watching. Waiting in silence and allowing ourselves to be recipients of grace. In our hearts we rejoice, but our tongues are stilled at our own blessings from God. Maybe. Sometimes. It's better this way.

Be still, and know that I am God. ~ Psalm 46:10